Depression After Surgery: Hysterectomy

Life after my hysterectomy has been so great in so many ways. The pain I had suffered for over 10 years has been eliminated, my energy levels are more predictable, and my desire to be a part of my own life is reignited. 

Despite these things, it was not a complete surprise when I found myself in a deep depression. Depression has been a constant nagging partner in my life since I was a child. I wrote about my experience with it, and what I learned about managing it in my book, Where Hope Begins: Decoding Depression for You and Your Loved Ones. 

This time of depression was a little bit different for me. It felt like my body was attacking me. I felt the effects of it in my body in many ways, some familiar, some new. 

How this time was similar to others in my life

One of my strengths, according to a personality test I took one time, is connectedness. This means that the way I make sense of things in my life is by finding patterns. Dealing with depression is one way that has come into play.

Gaining knowledge and putting into place within the patterns was key. The new information coming together with the already known began to form a big picture. A light at the end of the tunnel. 

Triggers for depression

I have learned over the years to find the triggers to my depression. In this case major life changes such as:

• The decision to stop coloring my hair (going completely gray in less than a year)
• My first child becoming an adult and moving out and across the country
• Life altering surgery
• Almost losing my dad
• Almost losing my beloved pet rabbit
• Dealing with my youngest child’s diagnosis
• Helping my daughter through her illness

All these things in a short amount of time definitely had something to do with my depression. 

Feelings during depression

The feelings I normally experience during depression are intense. Intrusive thoughts of being worthless, a failure, a burden, ugly, undesirable, and others can make life feel unbearable. Suicidal ideation is not always present, but is a frequent companion. This bout of sadness following my hysterectomy included all of them. 

How this time was different from other times in my life

I mentioned before how I felt that my body was attacking me. This was different for me, and was directly tied to my surgery. Suddenly, my healing process, and my doctor by extension, was controlling my life. 

Being told what I can and cannot do

As we grow up, there is always some authority figure who dictates what we are allowed to do. The older we get, the more say we have over what we do, where we go, and how we spend our time. This was true for me as well.

However, being in a high control religion for 35 years of my life really had me on a short leash. I did what “God wanted me to do” based on what the church and my husband dictated. Walking away from that, the thing I fought hardest for was claiming my autonomy. 

My surgery put me in a position where yet again an “authority”, the doctor, was telling me what I could and couldn’t do. Suddenly I was falling backwards into that old life. I know, logically, the truth is that it isn’t the same thing, but my body reacted to the contrary.

Bringing up the past

My past includes high control religion and purity culture. I believed my body belonged to God and my husband; even before I was married. From birth, my body never belonged to me.

A few years back I deconstructed these beliefs as detailed in my book, Beyond Borders: Life After Deconstruction. Even though it has been years, hearing the doctor tell me that I would have to wait longer to resume regular activities really threw me. 

Suddenly, it felt as if my autonomy was threatened, and my worth to my husband and family was diminished. I fought hard to keep moving forward, but one afternoon I hit a wall. I knew if I didn’t do something I might not make it out of this alive.