My Journey with Cushing’s disease
At 30 years old, I was fit, healthy and naturally a size 8–10. I knew my body well, which is why, when it started to
It was so easy to learn how to hate my body. It started when I was nine years old. It was my first ever school swimming lesson and two girls from my class started laughing and pointing at me, saying: ”look how her fat legs wobble.”
I’d never felt so ashamed before. I just wanted to drown there and then. I remember going home and bursting into tears.
My shame was heightened when the family member I spoke to said: “Well, Becky, you are getting a bit chunky. You should do my diet with me.”
For 26 years I continued hating, blaming, and punishing my body. But where did those feelings and actions get me? Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.
I missed out on so much; so many photos with my sons and family, so many summer days out and holidays, so many intimate moments with my husband, and so many memories because I was waiting until I hit my goal weight. I thought that, if I hit that magic number, I’d be happy, I’d have the confidence to do all the things I knew I was missing out on, and I’d love and accept myself and my body.
Let’s go back in time again. Things got a whole lot worse when I was 17. It’s then I met and was groomed by my abuser who enjoyed building me up by making me feel beautiful, loved, and accepted. Then, when he felt I was happy, he would destroy what little confidence I had.
He used to control the food I ate, the clothes I wore, he’d tell me he needed me fat and ugly so no one else would want me. Along with the awful affects and aftermath of mental, physical, and sexual abuse, he left me as a shell of a woman. I had no sense of self love, purpose, worth, or anything.
Finally, when I was free of him, I started to rebuild myself, but in such a warped, harmful, and hateful way towards my body. I blamed and hated her (my body) more than ever. I chased that magic number so hard with everything I could do to lose weight.
Wanna know the kicker? When I hit that magical goal weight…it wasn’t enough. I still hated and blamed my body. I didn’t feel confident, comfortable or worthy. I still looked in the mirror and saw so much I hated.
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