My Journey with Cushing’s disease
At 30 years old, I was fit, healthy and naturally a size 8–10. I knew my body well, which is why, when it started to
When my doctor told me I should consider having my tubes tied after a long, arduous pregnancy with my daughter I felt many things. Namely relief, as I never wanted to go through this again, sorrow, because this would be my last baby, and fear, because my belief system at the time told me my value lay in my ability to please my husband; I knew he wanted a house full of kids.
Laying on the couch, the only place I had been allowed to go besides the bathroom for eight weeks, I sobbed my heart out to my husband. “Maybe you should dump me and marry someone else who can give you the life you wanted. I’m so sorry, I can’t be what I should be for you.”
For the next hour my wonderful, sweet, loving man challenged my insecurities with the truth of his love for me. He assured me that not being able to have more children was not an issue. It didn’t matter what anyone said, at church or otherwise, he loved me and our family no matter what size it was. Several years later we began our exploration of fostering and adoption, and through them, added a little boy to our family. Drawing from my own experiences, with some added research, I would like to offer some insight and guidance for those considering growing their family in a similar way.
Foster care is one of the most rewarding, challenging, and complicated ways to become a parent. Depending on where you live, the hoops you must go through are intense. In the end, your perspective and expectations will be what carries you through. First, you must fulfill the foster parent requirements.
Foster parent requirements vary from country to country, state to state, and family to family. However, things that will usually be considered include:
Training for being a foster parent will usually include both initial training to be licensed, and ongoing training to keep the license current. Each country, state, and region has different types of licensing and training.
It is a good idea to use a Google search to locate a foster care agency near you. Here are some search suggestions:
The purpose of foster care is usually to provide a safe place for children to go and be taken care of while their parents gain access to services and support. The foster care system is designed to make it possible for families to reunite safely. We all know, however, that it isn’t always possible to bring families back together safely.
My special bedtime routine with baby O included singing “You Are My Sunshine” to him before putting him in his bed at night. One night I was singing to him and as he laid his head on my shoulder like he had done so many times before, it hit me hard. I had just gotten to the last line of the song.
We had just found out that another family was set to begin a home study to become a non-relative placement for him. He had begun to call me mama already. Though I knew he wasn’t mine, I also knew he would always be mine.
I had sung that song to him so many times, but never really considered how much the words applied to the situation. In my heart the Lord said “trust me”. The tears came. I knew I could love him enough to let him go. I surrendered, then I begged God, “Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
Becoming a foster parent comes with many emotions; as the paragraphs above illustrate. When fostering, it is important to keep in mind the purpose of foster care from the very beginning. When you provide foster care services to a child, you are also obliged to foster their connection to their siblings and parents wherever it is possible and safe. Yet, you function as their parent and in many instances you are the one who has to make decisions for them.
Falling in love with the child often means falling in love with their family. You may even find yourself advocating for that child’s family to regain custody. Your expectations can make or break your experience, and can help or hurt your ability to expose yourself to possibilities that would otherwise be withheld.
In the event that you find yourself caring for a foster child and imagining yourself being able to adopt them, it can be scary to know they could be taken away. I’ll not lie to you, it is hard, but loving with open arms and open hands is rewarding.
Though not impossible by any means, the idea that you can foster to adopt is not always the most realistic scenario. My friend Amanda’s advice to me rang true all four years of our foster journey: “They aren’t yours until the judge’s gavel comes down.”
Adoption is only possible when the biological family’s rights have been legally terminated.
There are several types of adoptions. They include:
Once the adoption decree is given, it is up to the adoptive family to decide how much contact they will have with the biological family, outside of the legal agreements that have been made, if any. For us, our son has semi-regular contact with one of his siblings, I have contact with several other members of his biological family that he doesn’t. This is for his safety, as well as future possibilities for him to form relationships with them when he is older.
Private agencies, such as Christian adoption agencies, may prepare you for adopting differently than state, or in the UK, your local council. Private agencies will have their own guidelines for the people they allow to adopt through them, though they will likely be similar to the others.
No matter which option you choose, there will be visits with you in person and in your home. Some agencies will have additional training such as:
The perspective of an adoptive parent and family is important. Some children who are adopted were surrendered by their biological parents as an act of love. Other children may have been forcibly removed for safety reasons.
No matter the circumstance that led to a child waiting for adoption, it’s good to have the perspective of love and respect towards their biological family whenever possible. An adopted child will always carry their biological family with them, therefore our attitude towards them will matter to our child.
Many families choose to adopt young children, but there are lots of older kids who also need love and support. If you choose to adopt a teenager, you have to know it will be a challenge. Teenagers have a history that must be taken into consideration and provided for. Studies show, though, the availability of a loving and nurturing environment can counteract many of the negative effects of that history (Fisher 2015).
Many teens waiting for adoption are longing to be part of a loving family. In the USA, the adoption photo listings, like the Heart Gallery, are filled with older children and teens waiting for adoption. Some will undergo adoption through foster care, others will be adopted through private agencies.
It is best not to have any expectations throughout an adoption process. Adoption dates can be moved often, other family members can come out of the woodwork and want to do a homestudy at the last possible moment. All kinds of things can complicate and change what is possible.
Having a support system is key. Before you start the process, gather your support. You will need other people and services during the journey. After, it will be your support system that carries you through as you navigate parenting with your children
I will say, adoption day is worth the wait. Decide early on that you will be weathering the storm, and keep the faith that it will happen at the right time.
Fostering and adoption are both valid choices when it comes to adding to your family. Just know that you will probably add more than just a child to your family; that child’s biological family may also become an integral part. Finding support and resources before, during, and after the process is important.
Adoptuskids Is an agency that provides free information and services to families wanting to adopt, as well as children in foster care who need to be adopted.
Fisher P. A. (2015). Review: Adoption, fostering, and the needs of looked-after and adopted children. Child and adolescent mental health, 20(1), 5–12. https://doi.org/10.1111/camh.12084
We hope you enjoyed this article. To help us to create more content like this, please consider visiting our Shop.
At 30 years old, I was fit, healthy and naturally a size 8–10. I knew my body well, which is why, when it started to
If you’ve had more than one loss, you may already have had chromosome testing, a karyotype or carrier screening, and still no answer. Here is
I am 36 years old, and I have spent a large part of my life trying to understand my own body and trying to become
